Its time to start a post your favorite joke thread.

[John Doe]

Well, since so many people around here are so darned funny I thought it would be a good time to get rolling on a post your favorite joke thread.

The only rule is to keep them clean, and to not be offensive or racist or anything like that.


I shall go first.




A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

" Boy ," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it.

After a hearty meal, Chris thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

[John Doe]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[John Doe]

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said. The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

[John Doe]

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know who I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

[ROOFCUTTER]

Barroom Bet

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

[Shishkababy]

Heres another joke that you wont get right now but for sure you'll get it later.

This woman wants a house to be built. So she hires a contractor. The contractor agrees to build the house but the woman has one condition, he has to use exactly 1000 bricks. The contractor then works very hard for weeks and weeks building the house forgetting about the brick agreement. When the house is finally finished the woman goes over to the house and counts every single brick. After an hour of counting she gets to 1001. She tells the contractor that he went one brick over the limit. So the contractor says fine lady, and he chizzles out the brick and throws it into the air.

[Shishkababy]

On an airplane thats in the sky on a long flight. There is a man sitting smoking a cigar. And next to him is a rich old hag with a yelpy dog. The Captain informs the cabin that the plane is going down, so the lady yells at the man "I can't die with all that smoke in the air!"
And the Man says "I don't want to die with your dog yelping in my ear!"
So they both agreed and threw the cigar and the dog out of the window. The captain informs them 5 minutes later that it was a mistake and they would not be crashing. So the man lights up another cigar feeling very happy and the woman is crying. He looks out the window and says "hey lady look whats on the wing of the plane!"
She looks up and sees the dog, and what do ya know is in its mouth?
The freaking brick.

[regis]

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After quite a few drinks the giraffe fall off his stool and passes out. The man gets up and heads for the door. The bartender yells as he is half way out the door, "You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man turns around and says, "Don't worry it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."











That's my 2 cents... but i think i screwed it up..

[v.o.c]

two birds on a pearch one says can you smell fish

two fish in a tank one say how the hell do you drive this

two men walk in to a bar third one ducks

whats green with 6 legs and if it fell from a tree would kill you?

a snooker table

why do elephants paint there toe nails red?

so they can hide in cherry trees,


have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

shows it work then.


how do you know theres an elephant in bed with you?

he as a E on his pj's

[regis]

Knock Knock

[Dog]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense........?



































































Yup...

[Preacherman]

[quote="regis";p="8672"]Knock Knock[/quote]

Who's there?

[sgt stutter]

[quote="Preacherman";p="8674"][quote="regis";p="8672"]Knock Knock[/quote]

Who's there?[/quote]


Banana

[Nuckin]

[quote="sgt stutter";p="8678"][quote="Preacherman";p="8674"][quote="regis";p="8672"]Knock Knock[/quote]

Who's there?[/quote]


Banana[/quote]

Banana who?

[loka]

BANANA PHONE!