Its time to start a post your favorite joke thread.

[Frosty1]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop....

[FUSE]

[quote="ROOFCUTTER";p="8765"]A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here."

The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here??"

The string answers, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot"[/quote]

LMFAO OMG THAT JUST MADE MY DAY LOL

[Bull]

Baseball in Heaven

For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball
history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the
season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever
died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later,
his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[John Doe]

I rather enjoyed reading this.


This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who now days think it is cool to be a metro[sexual]. Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of pussies that have far too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks. Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frappuchino: Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking g about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual... Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

4. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a god.

5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!! No hair gel / wax! Zip, zilch, nyet, none - ever!

6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a lump of wood. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

10. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

11. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

12. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

13. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie and ONLY a Windsor knot.

14. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

15. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

16. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish or cats do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck.

17. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude gits" look on his face.

18. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking with the boys.

19. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

20. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

21. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person.

22. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract; a handshake is good enough.

23. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT! Spread the word.

[kate78]

[quote="Frosty1";p="9043"]A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop....[/quote]


good one, frosty, lol, he's really gonna need it after he had the beer


And now for JD's code...I honestly don't know what metrosexual refers to, but I'm proud to be able to say that I married a Retrosexual man:-)

[Bull]

And now for JD's code...I honestly don't know what metrosexual refers to, but I'm proud to be able to say that I married a Retrosexual man:-)

My kinda gal !


Kate, I have no idea what color your hair is, so this is not
directed at you.


In defence of blondes..

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.

What is the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was
more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time
you saw a blond witch?

What do you call a brunette in a roomful of blondes? Invisible.

[kate78]

[quote="Bull";p="9184"]

And now for JD's code...I honestly don't know what metrosexual refers to, but I'm proud to be able to say that I married a Retrosexual man:-)

My kinda gal !


Kate, I have no idea what color your hair is, so this is not
directed at you.


In defence of blondes..[/quote]

LOL, OUCH, that kinda hurts:-)

[Bull]

[quote="kate78";p="9185"]LOL, OUCH, that kinda hurts:-)[/quote]

Well, let me make it up to you..

THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their
Arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing
the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what
happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't
get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says "Do Not Disturb'!

[l3eeron]

What's the difference between a hoover and a harley?


Where you put the dirtbag

[Bull]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years
and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub
and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out
3 wishes, you may each have one."

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my
family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home," and POOF she
is gone.

The red head makes her wish, "This place stinks, I want to go home too"
and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie
says to her "My dear what is the matter?"

The blonde said "I wish my friends were back here."

[ThugyD]

I don't know about ya'll but the best joke yet has been going on in the stop the hacking thread"! So [you], hurry and go check it out!

[FUSE]

Onions and Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Bull]

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a
second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the
back seat by mistake."

[l3eeron]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

[Bull]

THE JOB INTERVIEW

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and
whoever painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette
had painted 2.5 miles, and the blond had painted 10 miles. The boss was
so excited he told the blonde to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day the red head painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles, and the
blond 4 miles. He told the blonde "not to worry you still have a good
lead."

So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5
miles, and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the
blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?"

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further
away."